Wednesday, September 1, 2010

More of me whining about friends

Sooo... Okay....

I knew this girl at Ft. Carson. (we will call her J)  She became a pretty good friend, but I quickly realized she was a "taker". I felt like I always had to give, and do, and support but I got very little in return. Not long after we met, she found out she was pregnant with her first child.  I was her doula for her first baby.  After she had her babe, she got 1000 times worse.  She could not go out of her house, because she had her baby. She needed someone to bring her stuff from the store so she would not have to leave.  She quickly wore out the people around her.  For some reason, I never took a hike. Her house was always a dang mess.  Horrible.  You would walk into her house, and be slapped in the face with the smell of cat box and filth.  I spent quite a few Saturdays helping her clean because she was not able to take care of her child, and clean the house. Eventually, someone called CPS on her, and she genuinely did not know why.  For some reason, I never said anything to her about the state of things.  Maybe I was trying to save her feelings.

2 years later she had her second child.  Everything intensified.  It got to a point where I felt completely taken advantage of.  She never cared about what was going on in my life, and completely dismissed me when I was going through a really tough time.  I had enough, but I still did not want to be mean.  I basically stopped talking to her or going out of my way for her.  A few months later, we got transferred to our new duty station.

A year later, she was transferred to the same duty station.  I had only spoken to her a couple times in that preceding year, but she called when she found out they would be again in our neighborhood.  I was pretty stressed out about it, but thought maybe she had changed.  Things became much worse though.  Here she knew no one. She had left all her friends in Colorado, and I was pretty much her only friend.  She began calling me 6 times a day.  Every issue she had before was completely intensified.  She was hardly the person I had first become friends with.  Her kids were always "sick".  She had every disease imaginable, from Bopolar to Anxiety, from fibromyalgia to rheumatoid arthritis to random shooting electrical shocks in her body. Nothing was ever her fault.  There was mold in her house, or her parents beat her, or, or, or. She made new friends, but I again felt dismissed and taken advantage of.  I was again cleaning her house and helping her with her kids.  I stopped watching her children after a while.  She had not enforced any rules for her children.  Because of this, her oldest was mean to my daughter, and her youngest was a tornado of destruction.  Her house was again sick and disgusting.  I helped her clean again.  One time, I helped her clean her room. Her floor was a disgusting mix of dirty laundery, cat litter and cat shit.  Another time, I helped her fold her laundry, and she sat on her couch and watched me work.

A bit over a year passed and I was really at my limit of her self-centered attitude. (I found this link and it describes her completely.  I really think this is what is wrong with her. Scroll down to Cluster B Personality.)  I started setting more boundaries for her, and stopped doing everything she asked.  This of course upset her. I set a special ring tone on my phone to say her name so I could avoid her calls. My tolerance for bullshit became really low.  When she told my dumb things I had a hard time biting my tounge.  At one point she told me she had fed her sick 2 yo skittles because that's all he wanted.  Really?  How about some soup or applesauce.  Another time she told me that she yelled at her daughter so much that she actually crapped her pants.  She was not upset about this, and in fact laughed a bit.  I was appalled.  How can you joke about scaring the crap out of your kid??  I would have been so upset if that was me. She did not concern herself with anything that was going on in my life.  Did not even congratulate me on our pending adoption of our new baby.  Did not care about the autoimmune disease I am dealing with.  Never once a care or concern about my visits to the hematologist. I felt so unimportant.

This summer, I was just beyond frustrated with her.  I guess she could tell.  As a sign of how far facebook as crept into our lives, she "broke up" with me and 2 others over facebook.  She blocked me so I could not see anything she says at all.  Did not call, did not text, just blocked me.  I actually find it kind of funny, that you feel the need to virtually erase someone from your life.  Blocking a person on facebook does not make them disappear.  I honestly don't care about the break in friendship.  Once it was done, I seriously felt a huge weight disappear from my shoulders.  The knot in my stomach relaxed.

She felt determined to keep all the mutual friends we had made.  I knew that she probably told them all kinds of horrible things about me.  I suppose if they believe all the crap, then she can have them.  2 other friends got the boot too.  As we have been hanging out together, they have told me things that she had told them about me. She had been telling ALL of our mutual friends random bullshit about me for the whole past year.  How can she even think she was my friend?? I spent my time cleaning her house, and running errands for her, and bringing her cigarettes, and lending her money. (She still owes me $20, but it's not even worth it to try and collect.)  I am sure she told all those other people that i talked shit about them.  I am sure I made the random comment, but she was a big complainer.  She complained how Amanda told her that her house was a mess, and how Amanda looked at her bills and made comments about them, and how she did not want Amanda to do her laundry at her house and use all her soap. Certain people she did not say anything about, other than the fact that they were as pure as the virgin Mary.  I did complain about some people.  I said that Amanda talks about stupid shit too much.  That her eyeliner is scary. I said Amber is way loud.  I complained about Jackie every other minute, but it was generally to my husband or one other person.  BUT NO.. she was apparently talking mad shit about me to everyone I had met, and probably people I hadn't.

Now I am paranoid.  Am I really those things she said? Are other people saying or thinking them too?  I am afraid to talk or be around my other friends for fear that I am a horrible person that people can't stand.  I have been hanging out with 2 friends. One (S) I have been friends with for about 7 months... I have really enjoyed her company, and am glad for her friendship.  The other (B) is a new friend.  She was J's friend.  J always talked about how they were best friends and how wonderful she was.  I had been afraid to talk to her.  Any best friend of J was not someone I wanted to be close to.  When J decided she did not want to be her friend either, I thought maybe we have more in common than previously thought.

So my friend S and I have been hanging out with B too.  And now I feel like I don't fit in. I feel like the third wheel, constantly behind and struggling to catch up.  The nerdy girl that the cool girls allow to follow them around. I am constantly worrying about what they are saying and thinking about me.  Their children get along very well, and I feel like my children get left out.  I feel like my kids are whiny, contrary and bad, and I wonder what they are saying about my kids.  I feel sad. I feel like I am being pushed out.  Adan says not to worry about it.  If it happens that I get pushed out, then so be it.  I guess I would get more done around my house, and have way less heart ache if there was no one around to break it.  BUT I would be so sad. I like having friends, and coffee dates, and BBQ's and movie nights and all that. I don't want to be super lonely during the deployment.  I am going to need adult time... I will be all alone with 4 kids, one a brand new babe, and no husband.

Also, because we have all 3 been hanging out, I feel obligated to invite B to everything I have had planned with S.  I don't want her to feel left out, but I don't want to feel left out either.  I feel stuck again.

Makes a girl just want to go to bed for a week or two.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

You know S love you and loves hanging out with you! You will NOT be pushed out anywhere.